Between Facts and Interpretations

It has been such a long time since I last wrote. I started my previous entry on a flight to the Bay Area for a business trip and finished it during my stay there. I certainly didn’t expect another two months to pass before I would write again! Currently at this moment, I’m sitting on a curved stone wall on campus. There’s a small fountain in front of me, with water flowing continuously. I feel incredibly peaceful listening to the gentle sound of the water. It’s 7:45 p.m. on September 21 as I write this sentence.

Today, I want to talk about something I used to believe was a fact, but have gradually realized was nothing more than my own interpretation. We all know that we can apply filters to photos to make ourselves look better. But our brains also automatically apply their own “filters” to everything we see and experience. What reaches our consciousness is never the completely objective reality. I’ve known for a long time that our emotional reactions are shaped by our past experiences. What I hadn’t fully realized, though, was just how much those experiences shape the entire world as we perceive it. Since I started noticing this, I’ve begun calling what I see my interpretation of the world.

This realization came from noticing how differently people can interpret the exact same behavior. I had a very shy friend. Whenever we hung out with other people, she would sometimes ask me to move closer to the rest of the group so they could hear what I was saying. I remember feeling sad whenever she did this, because I interpreted her behavior as a sign that she didn’t value herself enough. I would think, Why can’t I just want to be close to her? Why can’t I simply want to talk to her? Gradually, I concluded that she had very low self-esteem. And once that idea had formed in my mind, I began to “smell” low self-esteem in almost everything she did. But was that really true? When I discussed this with my therapist, they suggested a completely different possibility: maybe she was simply being considerate of the other people in the group. Or perhaps I really was standing too close to her that day, making it difficult for others to hear me. To be honest, I can no longer remember exactly what happened that day. It was a long time ago, but more importantly, my memory of it had already been colored by the strong opinion I’d formed about her.

Here’s another example. I had another friend who wanted to hang out with me on many occasions. Sometimes I knew he wasn’t particularly interested in the activity we were doing, but he would still show up. Initially, I disliked this behavior. I interpreted it as him not having his own interests or hobbies, and simply following the crowd. But later, another interpretation occurred to me: perhaps he simply valued spending time with friends more than the activity itself. The same behavior, two completely different interpretations. And once again, I had chosen the negative interpretation and treated it as though it were an established fact.

Looking back, I find this tendency of mine quite troubling. How arrogant it is to assume that what I think about people is the truth! I form opinions about people based on my own interpretations, develop feelings toward them accordingly, and sometimes even convince myself that I know exactly what kind of person they are. I’ve even distanced myself from certain friends simply because I disliked something about them. But now I wonder how much of that dislike was based on what they actually did, and how much came from the meaning I had assigned to their behavior. This is harmful to me. I may have missed out on friendships that could have become genuinely meaningful, simply because I misunderstood someone. Second, and perhaps more importantly, it’s really unfair to other people. Everyone deserves to be understood for who they are, rather than judged entirely through someone else’s assumptions.

I want to change this. But I’ve also discovered that it’s incredibly difficult to constantly monitor my own thoughts. I can’t question every single interpretation my brain produces. That would be exhausting. So I’m still figuring out how to approach this.

One thing that has helped me a lot is practicing deliberately. I’ve started trying to distinguish between what I actually observe and what I infer from those observations. For example, sometimes when someone seems cold or distant toward me, I feel hurt and immediately start wondering whether I’ve done something wrong. Now, I try to separate the facts from my interpretations. For example, in above case:

• The observation is that this person responded briefly or seemed less friendly than usual.
• My interpretation is that I may have done something wrong.
• But there are so many other possible explanations: maybe they’re overwhelmed with work, having a bad day, feeling unwell, or simply preoccupied with something entirely unrelated to me. The important realization is that I often have no means of knowing which explanation is correct.

And honestly, most people are already busy enough managing their own lives. Not every change in someone’s behavior has something to do with me. Of course, that doesn’t mean my initial interpretation is always wrong, either. It simply means I don’t know. And that’s okay. I should just acknowledge the uncertainty and move on, instead of endlessly analyzing a situation based on assumptions. And if something genuinely bothers me, I can always ask the person directly.

This practice has already helped me a lot. I feel less inclined to take everything personally, and I find myself becoming more open to uncertainties. It also helps me become more understanding toward other people, because I don’t want my assumptions to prevent me from seeing who they really are. I know I’ll continue to make judgments and form interpretations. That’s simply how our minds work. But I hope I can become a little more conscious of the process, and a little less attached to my first conclusions. After all, what I see is my interpretation of the world, not necessarily the world itself.

Another month has passed as I finish writing this diary entry. It’s now 8:54 p.m. on October 24. It’s getting colder and more colorful as we enter autumn here in Champaign. I wish you a wonderful day, whenever you happen to reach the end of this passage!